Have this dry cleaned by five o'clock so I can go to the ball at the neighboring castle, Snow White. SNOW: Scrub, scrub, scrub-that's all I ever do! Scrub this, Snow White. Outside of the castle Enter Snow White dressed in rags and carrying a bucket and a toothbrush to scrub the courtyard of the castle. MIRROR: I'm yours, Queenie, but if you want to give me to her as a birthday present, I'm willing! (The QUEEN storms off stage left.) Blackout QUEEN: You're forgetting who's mirror you are! MIRROR: She can do her make up in my mirror anytime! QUEEN: That's quite enough, Magic Mirror! MIRROR: Have you seen her since she got that make over? All the knights think she's hot enough to burn through solid steel. MIRROR: But Snow White just naturally looks good. QUEEN: But I work night and day on my beauty, wear the latest in medieval fashions, and use every beauty aide available! MIRROR And the girl with the perfect white skin, no age spots, knock out figure and skin wouldn't know a pimple if she fell over it. QUEEN: The girl I dress in rags, command to scrub the entire castle with nothing more than an old toothbrush? QUEEN: My step daughter? The one I command to wash the floors of the castle? The best-looking woman is called Snow White. Somebody is still doing better than you are. QUEEN: (Throwing a temper tantrum.) Well, why not? I do aerobic exercises every day, eat a low-fat diet, and I bought one of those exercise bikes that have the big fan for a wheel. MIRROR: Do you need a dictionary? What part of "not you" don't you understand? You’re not the best-looking babe in the kingdom. You sure know how to flatter a woman, you big tease! (Realizing what he just said.) Not me? What do you mean when you said, "not you"? The best-looking babe is someone else, not you. Fairest in the kingdom is the one and only you," or Roses are red: daises are white, If you think you're best, you sure are right." Ready? Hit it. Now, answer my question! Say one of those witty poems you do like, "Roses are red: violets are blue. MIRROR: Why is it you need so much reassurance? Is your self image that bad? You don't need a magic mirror-you need a therapist. QUEEN: I want to know if I am the fairest woman in the kingdom. MIRROR: What? Are you back again? You come to me twice or three times a day and ask me that same question. QUEEN: Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest one of all? Smelly, a dwarf with a serious hygiene problem. Hunter, slow-witted with a crush on the queen.
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